Exhaustion

I don't want to do my homework. I just want to get over school and get this shit over with, but since I didn't choose to graduate early before this school year started, it's too late and early graduation is NOT possible, even though I could have graduated last year.

This is the problem with being me... a Gemini. Half of the time, I'm a big over-achiever who thinks she can dominate the world. The other half, I just want to be by myself and sleep all day. The contradiction between the two usually ends up making me look like an idiot. I would sign up for a bunch of classes, extra curricular activities, be psyched up about it for months before it happens, and when I actually start getting into it, the other side interferes with my optimisim and turns everything around.

Maybe it's the exhaustion. My over-achieving side expects too much of me, which uses up too much of my energy too fast. Or maybe it's just my short-tempered/impatient/easily bored side. I don't know. I just know what I know right now and it's the feeling of wanting to just not exist anymore. Living in general has taken its toll on me and I just want to crawl up in a small hole and sleep for the rest of eternity.

Or, I could keep writing and get all this built-up frustration out of me until I get back to normal. The only thing I'm not doing this time (by "time", I mean the period in my life when I'm depressed and confused), I won't leave my youth group like what I did earlier this year when I felt like giving up. Maybe they'll have some answers for me--or at least, the comfort and attention I need to finally feel wanted again.

I need alcohol. Except not, since I don't drink and I think "drinking your problems away" is just an illusion to hide the fact that it's practically a short train ride to death. Hah. I am such a contradiction.